BREAKING POINT
We’re reaching breaking point! There came a time when I was just not able to ignore who I was anymore. You eventually wake up from this sort of fantasy that your sexuality is something that you can push under the rug forever. Once the door is open, it will stay open, and the only thing that you can do is choose to look away (I’m quoting this very loosely from the movie Queer). I had been choosing to look away for so long, that it was really scary to even just look at myself in the mirror and say as loudly as I could and without anyone hearing… I’M GAY! It was as if I thought that even my reflection would judge me, and would somehow find me reprehensible. BREAKING POINT is this second stage of my coming out story and second song on my EP, taking me back to this process of self hatred and self acceptance. It was the period of my journey where I realized that the main and harshest person that I needed to feel accepted by was myself.
PART 1 - THE ME THAT HATES ME
We left off after my return from Berlin to Buenos Aires, and having experienced a lot of happy gay lives. So, after Berlin I knew with 100% certainty that I did not want to try being straight anymore. And for a long time I did just that: not try anything with anyone, lest I bring someone else down with me in the attempt. I knew that it would lead to others speaking about me, yet what others thought became slightly less important to me with time. During my straight relationship I had experienced a fabricated “acceptance”, and the happiness that came with it was extremely short lived. Most importantly, around this time I started to realize that what really mattered was what I thought of myself. This was en even deeper layer that would be even harder to peel. I would only be able to live openly and assume myself as a gay man once I worked through those thoughts. I used to look into the mirror and find no way out, find nothing that I liked, and that judgmental version of myself is represented in this song, judging but at the same time causing many of the decisions and actions in my life:
He’s such a gay kind of boy
Looking at me acting camp kind of boy
Move across the world just for peace kind of boy
Always living life for the show kind of boy
He’ll never change kind of boy
Sorry for his life just to please kind of boy
Might come out but it’ll take long kind of boy
Bet you he will never let go kind of boy
I did take the decision depicted in these lyrics which, later in life, I found out is not so uncommon amongst people in my situation: I moved away again, this time to Ireland. The gag is, I knew at least 90% of the people I already had around me would accept me for who I was: I had a truly great circle of people both in Argentina and in Germany. But I needed to reflect on why was my denial so deep, and why wasn’t I even able to tell myself “you’re gay”. Who was I looking to please by staying in the closet and trying to be the version of myself I thought everyone wanted? Was it others or had it all become so warped that it was now actually myself? I thought distance would help to complete this process, and it did.
Being away from home in Ireland and during the pandemic helped me zoom out and understand that throughout all the time denying myself, I had built an ideal picture of who I wanted to be, partly influenced by what I’d seen growing up as being normal and celebrated, and partly affected by whatever bad experiences I had in school and in life. And, while physically being in places where I had presented that fake image as the real me, I would not be able to let it go. Forget about disappointing others: I ended up thinking that coming out would mean disappointing myself. This fresh start in Ireland was the beginning of a journey towards self-acceptance. Of unbuilding every standard and expectation I held myself to, and then building myself back up from the start.
PART 2 - THE ME THAT LOVES ME
I don’t remember exactly what clicked in me. It was more of a collection of things. Yes, being away was helpful, but so was meeting new people and gaining new perspectives, and I think even COVID helped: the idea that the world could come to a halt and that I hadn’t lived a single day of my life as myself was terrifying and at the same time motivating. I had a lot of time to reflect and realize that, no matter all of the things I had done in life, no matter all the times I denied who I was and lied to others, or all the actions I had taken to be “one of the boys”, I was still in square one. Denying my sexuality was not going to change my sexuality. No matter how many times I hit my head against the wall, hated my reflection in the mirror, or stumbled upon the same stone, the situation would remain the same unless I decided to approach it differently. As the phrase says, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
With distance keeping me safe from that "perfect Facundo” I had built in my previous lives, I finally was able to call myself gay in front of the mirror, even though no one knew yet. I was able to revisit a lot of moments in my life, from the forced safety of lockdown. It was hard and sad to look back, but being compassionate towards my older self was what I needed. To sit down with the emotions, grieve, and move forward, instead of continuing to shove everything down a Pandora box I would never open, but that would someday explode in an unhealthy way.
PART 3 - FINALLY SOME PEACE
There was still a long road to come, a scary road, where I would have to live through my first experiences with men, come out to friends and family, and I wasn’t ready for those yet. I think it was almost a year from the moment I moved to Ireland until I had my first Tinder profile and a date with a guy (I was too scared to open a Grindr account back then). But at least I had gotten to a point where I could recognize myself for who I was, instead of letting others define me and fragmenting my identity. And suddenly all the steps to be taken became clear, however hard they may be. I was finally at peace internally, and it was now time to externalize that. You’ll hear about these stages in my journey later on the EP, I’ll be posting and releasing again soon.
PART 4 - WHAT I LEARNED
On this stage of my journey I learned that the first part of the process is accepting oneself. It’s not about being ready to tell others that you’re gay, it’s about being able to say this to yourself with a straight face, without feeling like you’re saying something that shouldn’t be said, that will hurt others, or without having to hold your breath as a consequence, expecting a reaction because what you just said is so unacceptable and strange. If I had tried to come out to others without first going from self-hatred to self-acceptance, I don’t think the outcome would’ve been the same. If someone had outed me along the line, I feel like it would’ve really hurt me. I really appreciate having a circle that never pushed me, even though the signs were there.
And to accept yourself, you have to sit with those terrible memories that have gotten you to where you are. You can’t just push them down and expect them to stay down. They will crawl back up to get you later in life if you don’t work through them. Some people do therapy, some stay locked down during a pandemic. However you choose to do it, you have to do it. You will grieve with that repressed child, but you will also show them compassion, maybe even laugh with them. You will let go of all the ideas in your mind of who you have to be and remember who you truly are, and finally be one whole person again, instead of two fragmented and broken parts fighting with each other.
As I did for my last song, I want to share the lyrics with you. This time, however, I’ve added the interlocutor before each one of the important sections of the song, so you can understand where the two different versions of myself are interacting with me:
[FAC/UNDO]
You got me begging on my knees
For a change of course
You got me falling in too deep
Over shallow loves
You got me praying to a God
That I don't believe in
Mirror on the wall
Who's the cruelest here
It's that kind of day
I curse at the mirror
And the mirror curses back
This shit ain't getting clearer
Am I going crazy?
Am I going insane?
Am I letting it define me
More than I do myself
[THE ME THAT HATES ME]
He's such a gay kind of boy
Looking at me acting camp kind of boy
Move across the world just for peace kind of boy
Always living life for the show kind of boy
He'll never change kind of boy
Sorry for his life just to please kind of boy
Might come out but it'll take long kind of boy
Bet you he will never let go kind of boy
[FAC/UNDO]
You got me begging on my knees
For a change of course
You got me falling in too deep
Over shallow loves
You got me praying to a God
That I don't believe in
Wishing I could change
Everything I see, yeah
Begging on my knees
For a change of course
You got me dangerously close
To the Breaking Point
You got me hating what I need
Loving all the pain
Hope you're happy now
That I've gone insane
We are reaching breaking Point
From now on no return
I know what I must do
Instead of look at you
Cause I will never see
Through the fog all these tears
[THE ME THAT LOVES ME]
No I will never see
Through the fog all these tears
Through the pain all these years
That we've been enemies
Wish I could call you friend
And we could start again
But I must face these fears
Before I can see clear
And though the pain might last
And my appearance change
Hope I can come to love
What my reflection says
I know it's not today
But closer to the end
My old mirror and I
Will make up for lost time