BREAKING POINT
We’re reaching breaking point! There came a time when I was just not able to ignore who I was anymore. You eventually wake up from this sort of fantasy that your sexuality is something that you can push under the rug forever. Once the door is open, it will stay open, and the only thing that you can do is choose to look away (I’m quoting this very loosely from the movie Queer). I had been choosing to look away for so long, that it was really scary to even just look at myself in the mirror and say as loudly as I could and without anyone hearing… I’M GAY! It was as if I thought that even my reflection would judge me, and would somehow find me reprehensible. BREAKING POINT is this second stage of my coming out story and second song on my EP, taking me back to this process of self hatred and self acceptance. It was the period of my journey where I realized that the main and harshest person that I needed to feel accepted by was myself.
PART 1 - THE ME THAT HATES ME
We left off after my return from Berlin to Buenos Aires, and having experienced a lot of happy gay lives. So, after Berlin I knew with 100% certainty that I did not want to try being straight anymore. And for a long time I did just that: not try anything with anyone, lest I bring someone else down with me in the attempt. I knew that it would lead to others speaking about me, yet what others thought became slightly less important to me with time. During my straight relationship I had experienced a fabricated “acceptance”, and the happiness that came with it was extremely short lived. Most importantly, around this time I started to realize that what really mattered was what I thought of myself. This was en even deeper layer that would be even harder to peel. I would only be able to live openly and assume myself as a gay man once I worked through those thoughts. I used to look into the mirror and find no way out, find nothing that I liked, and that judgmental version of myself is represented in this song, judging but at the same time causing many of the decisions and actions in my life:
He’s such a gay kind of boy
Looking at me acting camp kind of boy
Move across the world just for peace kind of boy
Always living life for the show kind of boy
He’ll never change kind of boy
Sorry for his life just to please kind of boy
Might come out but it’ll take long kind of boy
Bet you he will never let go kind of boy
I did take the decision depicted in these lyrics which, later in life, I found out is not so uncommon amongst people in my situation: I moved away again, this time to Ireland. The gag is, I knew at least 90% of the people I already had around me would accept me for who I was: I had a truly great circle of people both in Argentina and in Germany. But I needed to reflect on why was my denial so deep, and why wasn’t I even able to tell myself “you’re gay”. Who was I looking to please by staying in the closet and trying to be the version of myself I thought everyone wanted? Was it others or had it all become so warped that it was now actually myself? I thought distance would help to complete this process, and it did.
Being away from home in Ireland and during the pandemic helped me zoom out and understand that throughout all the time denying myself, I had built an ideal picture of who I wanted to be, partly influenced by what I’d seen growing up as being normal and celebrated, and partly affected by whatever bad experiences I had in school and in life. And, while physically being in places where I had presented that fake image as the real me, I would not be able to let it go. Forget about disappointing others: I ended up thinking that coming out would mean disappointing myself. This fresh start in Ireland was the beginning of a journey towards self-acceptance. Of unbuilding every standard and expectation I held myself to, and then building myself back up from the start.
PART 2 - THE ME THAT LOVES ME
I don’t remember exactly what clicked in me. It was more of a collection of things. Yes, being away was helpful, but so was meeting new people and gaining new perspectives, and I think even COVID helped: the idea that the world could come to a halt and that I hadn’t lived a single day of my life as myself was terrifying and at the same time motivating. I had a lot of time to reflect and realize that, no matter all of the things I had done in life, no matter all the times I denied who I was and lied to others, or all the actions I had taken to be “one of the boys”, I was still in square one. Denying my sexuality was not going to change my sexuality. No matter how many times I hit my head against the wall, hated my reflection in the mirror, or stumbled upon the same stone, the situation would remain the same unless I decided to approach it differently. As the phrase says, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
With distance keeping me safe from that "perfect Facundo” I had built in my previous lives, I finally was able to call myself gay in front of the mirror, even though no one knew yet. I was able to revisit a lot of moments in my life, from the forced safety of lockdown. It was hard and sad to look back, but being compassionate towards my older self was what I needed. To sit down with the emotions, grieve, and move forward, instead of continuing to shove everything down a Pandora box I would never open, but that would someday explode in an unhealthy way.
PART 3 - FINALLY SOME PEACE
There was still a long road to come, a scary road, where I would have to live through my first experiences with men, come out to friends and family, and I wasn’t ready for those yet. I think it was almost a year from the moment I moved to Ireland until I had my first Tinder profile and a date with a guy (I was too scared to open a Grindr account back then). But at least I had gotten to a point where I could recognize myself for who I was, instead of letting others define me and fragmenting my identity. And suddenly all the steps to be taken became clear, however hard they may be. I was finally at peace internally, and it was now time to externalize that. You’ll hear about these stages in my journey later on the EP, I’ll be posting and releasing again soon.
PART 4 - WHAT I LEARNED
On this stage of my journey I learned that the first part of the process is accepting oneself. It’s not about being ready to tell others that you’re gay, it’s about being able to say this to yourself with a straight face, without feeling like you’re saying something that shouldn’t be said, that will hurt others, or without having to hold your breath as a consequence, expecting a reaction because what you just said is so unacceptable and strange. If I had tried to come out to others without first going from self-hatred to self-acceptance, I don’t think the outcome would’ve been the same. If someone had outed me along the line, I feel like it would’ve really hurt me. I really appreciate having a circle that never pushed me, even though the signs were there.
And to accept yourself, you have to sit with those terrible memories that have gotten you to where you are. You can’t just push them down and expect them to stay down. They will crawl back up to get you later in life if you don’t work through them. Some people do therapy, some stay locked down during a pandemic. However you choose to do it, you have to do it. You will grieve with that repressed child, but you will also show them compassion, maybe even laugh with them. You will let go of all the ideas in your mind of who you have to be and remember who you truly are, and finally be one whole person again, instead of two fragmented and broken parts fighting with each other.
As I did for my last song, I want to share the lyrics with you. This time, however, I’ve added the interlocutor before each one of the important sections of the song, so you can understand where the two different versions of myself are interacting with me:
[FAC/UNDO]
You got me begging on my knees
For a change of course
You got me falling in too deep
Over shallow loves
You got me praying to a God
That I don't believe in
Mirror on the wall
Who's the cruelest here
It's that kind of day
I curse at the mirror
And the mirror curses back
This shit ain't getting clearer
Am I going crazy?
Am I going insane?
Am I letting it define me
More than I do myself
[THE ME THAT HATES ME]
He's such a gay kind of boy
Looking at me acting camp kind of boy
Move across the world just for peace kind of boy
Always living life for the show kind of boy
He'll never change kind of boy
Sorry for his life just to please kind of boy
Might come out but it'll take long kind of boy
Bet you he will never let go kind of boy
[FAC/UNDO]
You got me begging on my knees
For a change of course
You got me falling in too deep
Over shallow loves
You got me praying to a God
That I don't believe in
Wishing I could change
Everything I see, yeah
Begging on my knees
For a change of course
You got me dangerously close
To the Breaking Point
You got me hating what I need
Loving all the pain
Hope you're happy now
That I've gone insane
We are reaching breaking Point
From now on no return
I know what I must do
Instead of look at you
Cause I will never see
Through the fog all these tears
[THE ME THAT LOVES ME]
No I will never see
Through the fog all these tears
Through the pain all these years
That we've been enemies
Wish I could call you friend
And we could start again
But I must face these fears
Before I can see clear
And though the pain might last
And my appearance change
Hope I can come to love
What my reflection says
I know it's not today
But closer to the end
My old mirror and I
Will make up for lost time
WELCOME TO THE CLUB
Hi listener (and reader),
As I promised in my about page, I will be writing a blog post for each of the songs in my first EP, Rainbow Catharsis. I’ll try to be completely honest and vulnerable with you, even if it doesn’t come naturally to me. Why doesn’t it come naturally to you, you may ask? I lived a long period of my life trying to deny and hide who I am, and fit into the molds of what I thought was expected of me. This experience left a deep mark in me, and that’s why it’s such a challenging exercise to write these words to accompany my first song, WELCOME TO THE CLUB. But, I started working on this EP not only to launch a music career: I did it also to get rid of some deeply-repressed and long-held emotions about periods of my life before and during coming out that I did not discuss too much, even with my close friends. And I cannot do that in the standard 3-ish minutes of a pop song.
I don’t think my experiences are unique at all, but until you share these with someone else, they feel artificially lonely. It makes sense to feel alone in something that you are not willing to open about to others. Only by opening up, and by listening up, you will find that there are others going through the same things you are. Some people are never able to get to that point, so I’m very glad that I’m writing these words, because so many hard moments had to happen for me to be here today. I’m not just talking about coming out, but also about taking the very scary decision of pursuing art.. Music was something I always loved, but chasing after that dream was scary to me back then when the things I wanted to sing about would make me a target, and the things I could sing about were shallow to me.
It would be great if people who are not in the LGBTQIA+ community are here, and if you’re one of them, I salute you, because your presence means you’re curious to learn about others’ experiences with being in and coming out of the closet. Yet what I would really love is that someone who is maybe in the same situation I was is here: someone who is in the closet, and in a relationship that they don’t know how to navigate, trying to deny themselves of an authentic and truly happy life just to please others. I hope my words and my music can inspire you to go through a process of self discovery and acceptance, wherever that journey takes you, and however long it takes you. I’m here for you if you want to leave a comment <3
So, if you’re still there, let’s talk about my long-term straight relationship, because that’s what this first song is about.
PART 1 - The Beginning
I don’t want to linger on where it all started, but quite early in my life I realized I was attracted to men. Not late enough to have a clear and rooted identity and not care about others perception of me (which could have helped me come out quicker), but also not early enough to have an unapologetic gay kid behavior that would have made people go, “of course you’re gay, there’s no closet to come out of!”. My realization came around the time where I already cared too much about fitting in and not letting other people down or be perceived as different. The consequences, you will hopefully read and listen to with time.
I attended catholic school and grew up in a country where hypermasculinity is celebrated and where being called gay or the Spanish equivalent of the F-word was the worst thing a male teenager could say to another one. It wasn’t used sparingly, and could be thrown out at the slightest show of feminine energy or sensitivity. As I just mentioned, I realized I was gay late enough to “know” this was something I had to hide, and whenever I would let my guard down, the comments would flow in. No one called me gay daily, but it was the easy joke to mock me for my fleeting episodes of unrepressed femininity. And I hated it with all my heart. So coming out was never an obvious outcome for me after my gay awakening. I was convinced that if I wanted to continue feeling the love of those around me, I had to put up a façade. It didn’t matter how much it would hurt me but, at the end of the day, it would keep me loved, and that’s all I wanted.
I’m not an avid reader because of my ADHD, but my friend lent me this book called The Velvet Rage which every gay man should read, because it has done wonders for my self-awareness and acceptance even years after coming out. In there, the author says that we are convinced something is wrong with us and we don’t deserve love. This quote really stayed with me after reading it:
“It was this early abuse suffered at the hands of our peers, coupled with the fear of rejection by our parents, that engrained on us one very strident lesson: There was something about us that was disgusting, aberrant, and essentially unlovable. ”
So when you are intrinsically convinced that nobody will accept you for who you are, and when you are mocked for the few instances where you show yourself without filter, you commit to a life of performance. Do you like the manly man, the lady’s boy? I’ll definitely try to serve that up to you. It’s easy to keep the performance up at the beginning - if you realize you are gay at a young age, but it all became so much harder when I became a teenager and I could see all my friends around me starting to feel attraction for the opposite sex.
PART 2 - TRYING TO FIT IN
When boys my age started to feel excited about the prospect of truly blossoming into that “lady’s boy”, that “manly man”, to me that’s when the dread started. I didn’t want that. At least not with a girl. I kissed around, yes, more to keep the heat off me than anything else. To explore, sometimes with the delusional conviction that what I had could be cured, and that I would straighten up as soon as I found a girl I liked. Initially I didn’t feel okay bringing someone else into my mess. I wanted this whole lie to be a one man’s show and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. It’s one thing to keep up a façade, but it’s a completely different thing to have to involve someone else in it.
Around this time, the dark thoughts started to happen. What if I don’t continue? Giving up seemed like an easy choice. I had started to filter my behavior and try to act straight so early in my life, that I believe I was able to avoid at least 90% of the bullying openly gay teenagers go through, but this made me think that coming out was absolutely impossible and only the worst consequences could come out of it. My subconscious had irrevocably been wired to believe being gay as the worst possible thing, worthy of taking one’s own life. I couldn’t fathom being different, ridiculed, bullied, or to be a disappointment to my parents. I knew my mind could not take it at the time. Knowing what I know now about my mostly happy gay life, I can’t help but feel so sad that those thoughts ever crossed my mind.
What could I do to avoid that scrutiny and that talk behind my back that I was always convinced was happening? What was the only step forward I could take that would convince others, and hopefully myself, that I was straight and that would keep those dark thoughts away? I had to betray myself and bring someone else into my mess. Otherwise the questions would start popping up: “Why isn’t he dating anyone?” All these scenarios were playing in my mind and I was trying to control the outcome for every single one of them. For a while, I hyped myself up, trying to convince myself that this is what I wanted and that being gay was a choice. The moment I was in my first relationship it would all be okay, and this “phase” would be over. Everything was better at that point than the prospect of coming out, because I was still deeply in denial, and because coming out or being outed was almost synonym to death to me.
PART 3 - FOUND A GOOD FRIEND & CALLED IT LOVE
I wasn’t haphazard about my choice of partner though: I decided that if I would find a girl, it would be a girl that “ticked” all the boxes to me: someone who was interesting, someone who was caring, an open person. If I thought that I could cure my gayness, I had to do it with a lovely girl who was worth keeping . But in retrospective it means I really brought down someone with me that was the cream of the crop. I feel the guilt of having put someone’s romantic life in pause for almost two years, because I didn’t want to have with her what she wanted to have with me.
I still remember how we met through mutual friends, the date where I asked her to be my girlfriend, and a lot of the times we’ve spent together. We holidayed together, I was deeply intertwined into her family’s life and she was in mine. I actually did love her, but it was a friend’s love that I was trying to morph into romance. Ultimately, I have to admit that even though I have a lot of fond memories, everything was performatic and it was stemming from my deep denial of my sexuality, and I was totally not in control: from the emotional side, I was avoiding any kind of deeper conversation about us as individuals and us as a couple; and from the physical side, I couldn’t find it in me to be intimate. There was always an excuse for not wanting to have sex, or for not chasing an increasing level of intimacy that for natural couples should just happen. The relationship that was supposed to save me, cure me, and make me directly and indirectly loved ended up burdening me mentally and hurting me as well as another beautiful person on the other side.
PART 4 - I CAN’T BE PART OF THE CLUB
Eventually this lack of intimacy and honesty started to weigh down on the relationship, and this is what led to her breaking up with me. It’s not that I was brave enough to call it quits and tell her about my sexuality. If this is where my coming out journey ended, then there wouldn’t be any EP. It’s sad to admit it, but I was glad that it ended even though I cried a Iot. I think I cried because I felt sad, yes, but also because I felt some deep sense of relief that she would be able to move on with her life. Some tears might have even been relief that I was finally free from this situation for which I couldn’t find a way out, even though I had dragged myself and someone else into it. And this relief, at the same time, was contaminated with the terror that there would now not be any sort of way for me to avoid rumors about me. I know probably not many people were gossiping, but that idea was always in my mind and controlled my actions and behaviors. One thing was for sure: I would never be in a straight relationship again. It didn’t work out. There was nothing to cure, only something to accept.
The breakup coincided with my first departure from Argentina to Berlin in 2016, and this departure was the immediate trigger, even though we initially said we’d continue dating long distance. I lived in Berlin for a year back then, and made many of my closest friends there. Specifically, living in Berlin allowed me to be exposed to my first happy gay lives: unapologetically queer friends that, without even knowing it and just by being themselves and living freely, helped me start untangling that huge fur ball of trauma and self-loathing that I needed to cough up. I attended events and lots of parties where being gay was the norm and celebrated, and all of these events also started slowly chipping away more and more of my mental barricade. But no, I didn’t come out in Berlin either, even after all of this. This goes to show how deeply in denial I was, and all of the several layers and layers that I needed to get rid of in order to be free. Because I came to understand that it wasn’t about others accepting me: it was myself that needed to accept my sexuality, and that would take the longest. We’ll peel another layer of the onion soon, when I release my second single.
PART 5 - WHAT I’VE LEARNED
For a long time after coming out I didn’t feel fine discussing this stage of my life, as if discussing it would somehow diminish my gayness. There’s this concept of a golden gay, one that has never had relationships with a girl. How do you call a golden gay who was almost 2 years in a heterosexual relationship? The shame double whammy was too much for me! Additionally, I didn’t want to be perceived as evil. I know I’m not evil, but I thought everyone would perceive me as such for having been in a relationship with someone that I wasn’t in love with. The guilt was intertwined in all the memories of my past relationship, and I found myself wanting to people please my gay circle, after all the years of restraining myself to please my straight circle.
I still feel those feelings of guilt, of shame, of having hurt someone that didn’t deserve it. And sometimes I still beat myself up about it. But with time I added a layer of compassion on top of it, like a little band aid that made me realize that I am not the only one to blame. Or that “blame” is not even the right word to use here. Just unfortunate circumstance and heteronormativity. We still grow up in societies that really push queer people to the limit of their mental capacity, forcing us to be the worst versions of ourselves at times, instead of nurturing us to grow up freely. So we do what we can with the tools that we have, and our survival mode kicks in in more ways than we can think of. For me, this relationship was a survival mechanism. It’s going to sound so strange to someone who wasn’t in the same place, but I’m sure any gay men or any queer people who are reading and who also were in an heterosexual relationship are slightly nodding now.
WELCOME TO THE CLUB - apart from my first song - is my way to grieve this relationship. It’s my apology but also my explanation (before I would’ve called it my excuse, but I don’t like using that word anymore). I didn’t want to hurt this beautiful girl, yet with the few tools I had back then, this felt like the only path to receiving love and acceptance, which to me was equal to staying alive. Feeling accepted to me felt like everything, and the more I tried to belong to this club of the boys, the more miserable I was making myself in the process. I played with this analogy of being let in into some sort of club on the song as well, and I hope the Berlin nod at the end isn’t lost to you. You build this image that you are straight, that you have a girlfriend, that you are following the path everyone else does, only to realize once you are “there”, that the positive feelings that come from being accepted for doing something that is not authentic to you are really ephemeral.
It took me getting into the club to realize how sad it is to present a façade where you are always performing for some non-existent camera. And it’s specially sad when you are forcing someone to perform with you. I’m glad she got tired of me early enough, and that I finally had the chance to give her her heart back, and let her regain the independence that I was not strong enough to give her back at that time. She is such a nice person to whom I haven’t spoken in many years (since breaking up, actually!) and I hope she is really happy because she deserves it. She deserves to be looked at by someone the way I look at the cute boys <3
And without further ado, I hope these lyrics now make sense to you:
i feel the guilt of having stolen
the heart off someone who needs it
i didn’t know that there were rules
back then my feelings were just business
i was the villain of your story
but the victim of my own
i thought that i was running to you
but i’m running from the world
and i know that it might sound cruel
to admit it wasn’t love
i wish i didn’t take it further
wish that you had told me no
i did what i had to do to survive
i didn’t know if i’d make it alive
and if you’re feeling the same kind of pain
your heart is broken but all i can say is
welcome to the club
i don’t know what to say to you
should i be asking for forgiveness
were you pretending just like me
like all is well then for a minute
you’re confused by the strobe lights
how did we get here
so tied up by the way
that they told us to be
could you ever forget
the me that you knew then
who would break everything
just to hear the boys say
welcome to the club
i couldn’t wait to be inside
but where am i
how did i get dragged to this club
why is the music here so loud
here is your heart my darling
please just take it back
one last dance and then i’m out
no i can’t be part of this club
one last dance and then i’m out
no i can’t be part of this club
we both know why this won’t work
nobody has to take the blame
all these clouds around our name
ain’t no rainbow in the end
you need someone to look at you
the way i look at him
just imagine how it’d feel
like a party in berlin
WHO IS FAC/UNDO?
For those of you who are blessed enough to have been born in Argentina (or any Latin American country), the name Facundo will not be a strange one, and you are also likely to know how to pronounce it. However, I’ve heard every single pronunciation from non-native Spanish speakers except the correct one. I still love my name though, and I didn’t want to deviate too far from it when defining a stage name. l. So I’m calling myself FAC/UNDO here, since you all weren’t going to pronounce it right anyways! Jokes aside, I just like the fact that my name includes the word “UNDO” in it. Let’s see what Miss Oxford has to say about it:
UNDO /ʌnˈduː/ (verb) - cancel or reverse the effects or results of (a previous action or measure).
My music, in its initial form, has a cathartic nature to me and has helped me to reverse the effects on my mind that repressing myself for so long had. I want to use my music to release and provide relief from my repressed emotions, to bring about discussions of topics that are not so easy for me to talk about, but that are easier for me to sing.
What’s the topic then? It took me a long time to come to terms with my identity and my sexuality, and even then I felt like I was just focused on coming out and considering the topic done, instead of deep-diving into all the different stages in life that took me to that point. As if assuming myself as a late joiner to the party was a personal loss or something to be embarrassed about. I didn’t discuss it with my friends much, or with my family. I thought that discussing it with the first (mostly queer people!) would bore them or would make me look small and confused to them, and I thought that the second just would not understand or be open to those discussions. I just wanted them to focus on the person that I am now, but I forgot that the person that I was still has me on a chokehold sometimes and affects the way I act in liminal and subliminal ways. So I decided that I’m going to sing about it.
I’ve already shown many of the songs in my upcoming EP Rainbow Catharsis to close friends and family, and through looking at the lyrics, we’ve had conversations that I never thought I’d have with them. They weren’t easy for me to have, but I felt so good afterwards. Every time I discuss these stages of my life and the feelings that permeated them, the concerns and effects of suppressing them for so long leave my body for a minute, and I believe that not 100% of them make it back in. I can’t imagine how that would feel if I get to share them with more people, specially if anyone who is somewhere along the chapters in their journey listens to these songs and feels addressed and can find some solace in my experience. It would make everything so worth it.
I think the points I would like to get across are sometimes a bit more extensive than what I can get into 3 minutes or so of music, and I have already been told that my lyrics are on the busier side. I’ll take that, and embrace that, at least for Rainbow Catharsis. I just have a lot to say at the moment. So much so that I will also publish blog entries like this one with every new song, and hope that however many or few of you that are listening are also reading and interacting with me along this journey.
What comes after Rainbow Catharsis? I’m not sure for now. But I love singing, writing and composing beyond what my sexuality compels me to say, so I don’t see this as the only project I will start, in fact, I hope it isn’t. I have so many genres that I would love to explore and so many topics, situations and experiences I’d love to revisit musically. So I hope you want to listen along.